shaxberd.com

SEX IN A BOX

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 11:37:32 GMT

[Something inspiredy by a discussion on how to prevent teen pregnancy and Dr. Seuss. I think reciting this might actually work. For Nicole, on the occasion of her eighteenth birthday]

I will not have sex in a box.
I will not have sex in my socks.
I will not savor sex with boys.
I will not practice sex with toys.

I will not play with whips or chains.
Nor pleasure in another's pains.
Though passion waxes, stills, and wanes.

So take that penis far away!
Virgin I'll stay!
Hip hip hooray!

GREETINGS FROM THAY!

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 05:25:57 GMT

[Just something I wrote while I was bored at work.]

Greetings! My name is Lauzoril, and I am a former zulkir of the Red Wizards of Thay. I was forced to flee my homeland when Szass Tam made his bid for power, leaving behind my vast wealth of precious coins, gems, and magical artifacts. You were recommended to me as someone trustworthy whose assistance I could count on in regaining reacquiring my lost personal fortune as the authorities of Cormyr will only allow such a transfer in the name of a Cormyrian citizen in good standing, such as yourself. For a small investment of only 1000 gold pieces to demonstrate good faith, I will happily share 15% of my vast wealth with you, an amount easily in excess of 15 million gold pieces! If you are interested, then please contact me as soon as possible so that I may visit you in your lovely home to discuss details.

Respectfully yours,

Lauzoril
Temple of Shar

I SEE A RED ROBE AND I WANT TO PAINT IT BLACK

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 05:13:54 GMT

[Some parody lyrics based on Paint It Black by the Rolling Stones. In honor of the 635th strip of The Order of the Stick by Rich Burlew.]

I see a red robe, and I want to paint it black
Not neutral anymore, I want it to turn black
I see great multitudes with X's in their eyes
I smile and laugh as something good inside me dies

Strange voices call to me, inside me evil grows
A strength only the Monster in the Darkness knows
I see the Order of the Stick turning away
The line between the dark and light now fades to gray

I see my red robe and my choice to turn it black
It's clear, I've gone Majere, no way to take it back
Will it turn red again, there is no telling when
But when the killing starts, I'll see that shade again

I'll crush the world beneath my heel and fake a plan
I'll tear down nations, all creation if I can

I'll destroy anyone who's ever slighted me
This bleak world's day has come, that's how it has to be

I see a red robe, and I want to paint it black
Not neutral anymore, I want it to turn black
I see great multitudes with X's in their eyes
I smile and laugh as something good inside me dies

Aah, aah, aah,... [tortured wailing]

I want to wear a black robe, paint it black
Arcane might is my goal
Let Xykon and the halfling wonder briefly why
My friends, my family, I want to paint them black
Die!

Aah, aah, aah,... [tortured wailing]

MANGINA BLUES

Tue, 31 May 2011 05:25:57 GMT

[One of my friends started a rant on Facebook about her husband's constant whining, and other women started chiming in. I commented that their little discussion had the makings of a great country song with an aside that men who listen to lots of country music might possibly be more prone to whining (she lives in Tennessee). Anyway, I got bored and decided to give it a try, parodying an old favorite. And yes, mangina is their word, not mine. Um... enjoy? Set to the tune of Lovesick Blues by Patsy Cline.]

Got a stupid grown man here, oh, Lord
All he does is whine and moan
I'm not his mom, he's not my son
All I do is sit and cry, oh, Lord
That last long time he whined and moaned
Oh, Lord, I thought I'd kill him
Kick him where the sun don't shine and watch the tears fallin'
But, Lord, I love to listen when he begs me for mercy
So well-dressed and well-groomed
In touch with his feminine side
I think I must be doomed
I've taken all I can stand, somehow
And he ain't still the man I married now
'Cause I'm fed up
'Bout his mangina blues

Now I'm in love, I'm in love with a womanish guy
That's what's the matter with me
Well, I'm in love, I'm in love with a womanish guy
But my man can't hardly see
Well, I try and try to keep him satisfied
But much to my despair
Angsty with self-pity, he really needs to grow a pair

Got a stupid grown man here, oh, Lord, all he does is whine and moan
I'm not his mom, he's not my son
I think I must be doomed
I've taken all I can stand, somehow
And he ain't still the man I married now
'Cause I'm fed up
'Bout his mangina blues

I've taken all I can stand, somehow
And he ain't still the man I married now
'Cause I'm fed up
'Bout his mangina blues

I NEED A HUG

Tue, 31 May 2011 05:25:57 GMT

[Some original lyrics that I wrote with Tenacious D in mind, specifically. Imagine these lyrics set to acoustic guitar in the style of John Denver.]

I wrote this little song
About the way I feel
It isn't very long
I want to keep it real

You maybe thing it's wrong
Like it's such a big deal
But we can get along
As these words will reveal...

Don't want to treat you like a case of angina
Wouldn't give you up for all the tea in China
Oh, my penis needs a hug from your vagina

Now won't you hear me out
'Fore you march out the door
Don't stop to scream and shout
Can't take it no anymore

So don't you make me pout
Since you know I'm hardcore
And what it's all about
My mixed up paramour...

Don't want to treat you like a case of angina
Wouldn't give you up for all the tea in China
Oh, my penis needs a hug from your vagina (x2)

BITCH ASS HO MAMA

Wed, 25 May 2011 05:25:57 GMT

[Some original lyrics for a song in an album that a friend and I were intending to put together for the sole purpose of offending as many people as possible. Failure? Success? You decide.]

Bitch-ass ho-mama [You suck!]
Bitch-ass ho-mama [The f---!]
Bitch-ass ho-mama [Just die!]
Bitch-ass ho-mama [Just try!]

Every time I see you
I wanna throw up
I wanna vomit and I wanna make you cry
Every time I see you
I wanna take a dump
And I wanna make you swallow it and die!

Why? 'Cause you’re a...

Bitch-ass ho-mama [You suck!]
Bitch-ass ho-mama [The f---!]
Bitch-ass ho-mama [Just die!]
Bitch-ass ho-mama [Just try!]

Stop messin’ with my women
Stop screwing with my life
Don’t need yo’ ho-ish meddlin’ with my mind
Stop dissin’ all my lovin'
'Cause it cuts me like a knife
Or else I’m gonna end up smackin’ yo’ behind!

Why? 'Cause you’re a...

Bitch-ass ho-mama [You suck!]
Bitch-ass ho-mama [The f---!]
Bitch-ass ho-mama [Just die!]
Bitch-ass ho-mama [Just try!]

!!!!! ROAR!!!!
ARGHH ARGGH ARGHH!!!! (Krishna...)
I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!

SHUVO'S WAY

Tue, 24 May 2011 05:25:57 GMT

[Just poking fun at a friend here. Some parody lyrics based on My Way by Frank Sinatra.]

And now, my fate is clear,
I've loved and lost, and now I'm hurtin.'
I've held her close, I've called her dear,
I've freaked her out, that much is certain.

Oh, why? Why must I fail,
With every girl who makes me sigh, eh?
To reminisce, the answer's this,
I did it my way.

Mistakes? I've made a few,
I've poked some fun at her religion.
I've lurked her home, I've stalked her, too,
I've suffered from great indecision.

Oh, why? How fool am I?
Why must I screw up every time, eh?
To reminisce, the answer's this,
I did it my way.

Oh, I'm so whipped, that's my folly,
Just like a neutered border collie.
I'll bring you here, I'll pay airfare,
I'll fork the dough, but you won't care.
Well, so it goes. I suffered woes.
And did it my way.

So please, give me a chance,
And I will love you like no other.
I need you so, I need romance,
I need a wife, just ask my mother.

For thee, I'll bend one knee,
I'll even be Canadian, eh?
This plea. My sweet decree.
I did it my way.

Yes, there've been girls, I've known a few,
Whom I have loved, who've been so untrue.
I know my faults, I'm not a surgeon,
But I'm still cool, I'm not a virgin,
There is no doubt I whipped it out,
And did it my way.

Yes, it was my way.

Rapture Prank

Fri, 20 May 2011 11:30:09 GMT

On Saturday (5/21/11) when THE RAPTURE is supposed to happen, take some of your unwanted clothes and shoes and leave sets of them arranged on sidewalks and lawns around the local church. It will get a few laughs, and the clothes can be donated to the less fortunate afterwards.

GREEN LANTERN:DCF

Thu, 19 May 2011 11:30:12 GMT

Written by David Lee

Suggested for Readers of All Ages

Green Lantern. Once, there existed an entire Corps of such champions, but since the murder of Kyle Rayner, none have risen to carry on this proud legacy. Until now.

Read GREEN LANTERN:DCF #1 at FanFiction.Net

HELLBLAZER:DCF

Thu, 19 May 2011 11:28:53 GMT

Written by David Lee

Suggested for Mature Readers

John Constantine. Con man., trickster, and magus. Part-time occultist & full-time smart arse. The future finds him changed, yet much the same, and still very much alive.

- FOREWORD -

Y'know, this is going to sound kind of funny from someone introducing a book, but I can't stand stories about magic, I'm not a fan of the Vertigo line of books, and John Constantine never pulled my interest as a character. In fact, I thought, if ever there was a more useless character in all the world of comicdom, a character that would *never* make it to the DCF, Constantine WAS that guy. It would be impossible for me to care about this character.

But boy, was I wrong. And I've never been so GLAD to be wrong.

Dave has done something that's very rare in the world of fiction - professional, fanfic, whatever... he has taken a character, certainly not a mainstream one, and made that character interesting to folks that were never interested in him before while keeping the regular fans happy. That's not an easy thing.

Maybe it's the lack of dark, distracting, 'let's-see-how-much-black-ink-we-can-get-on-this-page type of art that improves this book in the eyes of the non-fan. Maybe it's the interaction with the mainstream for a change. Maybe it's the talking dog. Or, dare I go back to it, maybe it's just Dave's writing.

Something along those lines.

All I know, folks, is that a character I had never given a second thought to one way or another now has my attention when I see a new issue. That's magic, people. Pulling off the impossible

- Erik Burnham, from the Wilds of Minnesota

Read HELLBLAZER:DCF #1 at FanFiction.Net