[Something inspiredy by a discussion on how to prevent teen pregnancy and Dr. Seuss. I think reciting this might actually work. For Nicole, on the occasion of her eighteenth birthday]

I will not have sex in a box.
I will not have sex in my socks.
I will not savor sex with boys.
I will not practice sex with toys.   

I will not play with whips or chains.
Nor pleasure in another's pains.
Though passion waxes, stills, and wanes.

So take that penis far away!
Virgin I'll stay!
Hip hip hooray!

[Just something I wrote while I was bored at work.]

Greetings! My name is Lauzoril, and I am a former zulkir of the Red Wizards of Thay. I was forced to flee my homeland when Szass Tam made his bid for power, leaving behind my vast wealth of precious coins, gems, and magical artifacts. You were recommended to me as someone trustworthy whose assistance I could count on in regaining reacquiring my lost personal fortune as the authorities of Cormyr will only allow such a transfer in the name of a Cormyrian citizen in good standing, such as yourself. For a small investment of only 1000 gold pieces to demonstrate good faith, I will happily share 15% of my vast wealth with you, an amount easily in excess of 15 million gold pieces! If you are interested, then please contact me as soon as possible so that I may visit you in your lovely home to discuss details.

Respectfully yours,


Lauzoril
Temple of Shar

[One of my friends started a rant on Facebook about her husband's constant whining, and other women started chiming in. I commented that their little discussion had the makings of a great country song with an aside that men who listen to lots of country music might possibly be more prone to whining (she lives in Tennessee). Anyway, I got bored and decided to give it a try, parodying an old favorite. And yes, mangina is their word, not mine. Um... enjoy? Set to the tune of Lovesick Blues by Patsy Cline.]

Got a stupid grown man here, oh, Lord
All he does is whine and moan
I'm not his mom, he's not my son
All I do is sit and cry, oh, Lord
That last long time he whined and moaned
Oh, Lord, I thought I'd kill him
Kick him where the sun don't shine and watch the tears fallin'
But, Lord, I love to listen when he begs me for mercy
So well-dressed and well-groomed
In touch with his feminine side
I think I must be doomed
I've taken all I can stand, somehow
And he ain't still the man I married now
'Cause I'm fed up
'Bout his mangina blues

Now I'm in love, I'm in love with a womanish guy
That's what's the matter with me
Well, I'm in love, I'm in love with a womanish guy
But my man can't hardly see
Well, I try and try to keep him satisfied
But much to my despair
Angsty with self-pity, he really needs to grow a pair

Got a stupid grown man here, oh, Lord, all he does is whine and moan
I'm not his mom, he's not my son
I think I must be doomed
I've taken all I can stand, somehow
And he ain't still the man I married now
'Cause I'm fed up
'Bout his mangina blues

I've taken all I can stand, somehow
And he ain't still the man I married now
'Cause I'm fed up
'Bout his mangina blues

[Some original lyrics that I wrote with Tenacious D in mind, specifically. Imagine these lyrics set to acoustic guitar in the style of John Denver.]

I wrote this little song
About the way I feel
It isn't very long
I want to keep it real

You maybe thing it's wrong
Like it's such a big deal
But we can get along
As these words will reveal...

Don't want to treat you like a case of angina
Wouldn't give you up for all the tea in China
Oh, my penis needs a hug from your vagina

Now won't you hear me out
'Fore you march out the door
Don't stop to scream and shout
Can't take it no anymore

So don't you make me pout
Since you know I'm hardcore
And what it's all about
My mixed up paramour...

Don't want to treat you like a case of angina
Wouldn't give you up for all the tea in China
Oh, my penis needs a hug from your vagina (x2)